Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
