why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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