I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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