I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
