you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
