god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
