gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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