Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
