How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
