Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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