thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
