I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize