I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
