what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
