My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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