Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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