thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
