All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
