My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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