Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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