Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
