I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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