I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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