is your mom at the bar?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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