nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
