He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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