My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
