U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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