alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
