walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
