Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
