I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
