now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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