why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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