im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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