she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this just has baby written all over it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
