Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
