I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
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