Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
