Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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