My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
