OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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