ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
