so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
