If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
