So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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