On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
