My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
