Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
