It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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